morethanthis

Me and Harry are not the only ones entering through the door to the hotel room. We also drag in two pounds of snow with us. I shake out my hair and jacket and another pound adds up to the pile. That's gonna get wet when it melts, I think to myself and pull of my shoes and throw them on the shoe shelf. The snow is already leave soaking puddles over the floor. I push away the compulsion of grabbing a mop right away. Harry shakes the white flakes out of his hair and they fly up and about everywhere. He looks like a wet puppy while doing it.

"Are you ready to meet up with the rest of the boys yet?" Harry asked facing away from me. He had some trouble getting his right shoe off. As he struggles he loses his balance. He falls over backwards and lands with his full weight onto the floor. His face looking up in mine. His forehead wrinkles when his eyes grow to the size of tennis balls and his mouth wide open in surprise. He looks completely clueless. Such a cluts he was. I hide a chuckle.

"Are you?" I blink and sit down next to him to pull the shoe off. When I get it over and done his leg falls back down on the floor with a thud. I lean my head over him and place my hands on his cheeks and my lips on his. The cold from his lips travels through mine  and make me shiver involuntarily. But they heat up quick.

"I am now!" He jumps off like he got five shots of redbull. I laugh and get back up myself.

"I think I'm finished packing," Harry mutteres pensively and strokes his chin and imaginative beard stubble. He didn't have any, but he liked to think he did. "Yes I am."

"I'm not." I smile and toss another sweater on my blue suitcase. I couldn't be bothered to open it. Later.

"You never are." Harry sighs like I'm a hopeless cause, and helps me pack a bit before we have to leave to meet up the gang. 15 minutes later we're out the door it feels like we just got in from. Not that we have to go that far. Liam's room where we're supposed to meet up is just lying on the floor above us.

"Heeey guys!" Harry and I greet the others in chorus. Liam and Niall are the first ones to run up to the hall. Three more happy faces are close behind them.

We go a round to hug everyone properly. Kaat is here too, a brown eyed brunette I am very fond of. Zayn comes and sneaks up from behind and hugs her. I melt a little. They look like two reindeers in their matching christmas sweaters.

"Last night in New York how does it feel?" Louis asks with a grin.

"I hope we're ready to leave tomorrow morning." Harry grins back and gives me a kiss on the top of my head. "But this one isn't finished packing."

"Like always." Louis and Liam look at each other and sigh. I feel like giving them both a punch in the side. But Harry's holding me around the waist and I don't have oppertunity. I think he was doing it on purpose. He pinches me in the arm and I flinch back colliding into his chest. If my arm wasn't so tense it wouldn't have hurt. He knew what I had been about to do. He knows me too well.

"I'll get it done tonight I promise."

-

"Kaat?" I ask when we're alone in the kitchen trying to find the chocolate cake Louis said they had left from earlier. It was well hidden. Or maybe we're just bad at looking in the right places.

"Yeah?"

"Do you love him?" I ask not taking my eyes of the cabinet. But I could feel Kaat's eyes glare at me from behind.

"I do."

"Just checking." I say with a smile. Zayn and her had been together for a few months now, and I think it was getting pretty serious. Magazine articles didn't adress Zayn as single anymore. But they didn't have the name of Kaat yet. How they had managed to keep it a secret for so long blew my mind.

"You-"

"Yes." I reply before she had time to finish in a high pitch, like you do when you're asking a question.

"And you two are going away together for the first time tomorrow." Kaat states, as she shines up because she just found the chocolate cake. She looks like a light beam at sunrise.

"I won't be able to sleep tonight." I laugh and smear my finger across the chocolate frosting and put it in my mouth. Or at least I would have put it in my mouth if someone hadn't grabbed my wrist last second.

"And what are you doing?" Harry smirks and lick my finger off himself.

"Hey!"

"Kaat, Zayn is asking for you."

Kaat nods chuckeling and leaves the room. I dip my finger in the glaze once again and cover my lips with it. He has no choice than to kiss it off if he wants some. He gently sucks my lips to get all of it. I giggle during the prodedure because the sound he makes while doing it sounds really funny. It feels heavenly.

"I heard you won't sleep tonight." He says when he's finished.

"I'm just excited. I never sleep when I'm excited." It's true. I think I produce an excess of adrenaline in my body when I get worked up about something. I should check it up really. I can stay up for two days straight. I guess I have to take my pills tonight.

"Damn!" I curse and turn my head back to not lose Harry out of sight. You can easily get away from each other in this city, just make one wrong turn and you're pretty much screwed. After a few streets we stop to catch our breaths. Harry claps on a dumpster as a sign for me to take a seat. Thanks to a set of moving boxes and a chair I balance and jump up on the six feet high thing and Harry follows, carrying the bagels in his right hand. How he managed to get up with only one free arm messed up my entire way of reasoning.

"Here." He breathes heavily and flashes a bright smile. With a quick motion he drops one of the round pieces of bread to me. If I didn't have as fast reflexes as I did it would have ended up as crumbles all over my lap. I catch it as I still have one hand resting on my ribcage. I feel my own chest pound like a maniac and I hear myself exhale, inhale just as loudly as he does. My eyes get caught staring into the wall opposite of us. Graffiti in bright pink and yellow decorates the side of the buildning. Someone had been feeling creative that day. In one of the grey bricks below the way out of porportion graffiti letters I distinguish a bullet mark. I'm not surprised. Muggers carrying guns isn't unusal around here. They even stopped printing articles about shootings in the New York Times because if they would keep publishing them there wouldn't be room for other incidents or events. If you think about it, just another guy snatching a woman's purse in the alley gets boring after a while. The media has more important things to inform about, like... I can't think of anything on the top of my head right now. I hate keeping up with media. Whether it's though the internet, TV or magazines. The entire concept bored me to death.

"One thing that struck me was how none of them saw us leaving the coffee shop?" Harry utters and breaks the silence. As silent as it can be when you're munching on toasted bread crusts.

"Hmm..." I wrinkle my forehead. "Maybe they're just stupid."

"Don't say that."

"Sorry."

We sit in another silence until I can't take it anymore. I get up on my feet and get ready to jump of the container. Standing straight up the distance from me to the ground suddenly seems to double. But I'm not scared of heights.

"Ash what are you-" Harry interrupts himself and pushes himself of his comfortable seating position to grab me by the arm.

"No.." I whine, pushing my lower lip forward and up in an attempt to pout and look dissapointed.

"You can at least sit down."

I give in and sit down throwing my legs over the edge instead. Within seconds my feet hits the ground. Harry finished his last bite of bagel and swings down landing in my foot steps. Well, if it was possible to leave foot steps in cobble stone his landing would have fitted right into them. If I hadn't taken a step forward he probably would've kicked me in the back of my head considering I was facing away from the dumpster. I feel his arms wrap around me over my shoulders in a tight hug.

"Man I love bagels." He sighs, rocking me gently back and forth for a minute. I let myself close my eyes and lean back, resting my head on his chest. I'm not so tall. He is the most random guy I have ever come across. He always says the things that pops into his mind, even if it has nothing to do with anything at all. He gets lost in his own train of thought and forgets he doesn't make sense.

When I hear something that sounds like a pair of flip flops walking nearby the peace is over and I quickly get back up.

"Lets get back to the hotel. You got your bagel." I offer him my hand and he takes it. We leave the alley before the flip flops had a chance to see we were even there.

December 18th 2012.

I sneak my hand into his, twice the size as mine. The sun gazes through the tree crowns and makes his face sparkle like they do in the Twilight movies when one of the vampires enters daylight. Someone accidently knocked over the glas bottle of glitter I use to do my nails this morning and got it all over. Including his face. His left eye must have itched and he forgot he had put his hand in the glitter dust. A giggle slips out of my mouth. He had the worst short term memory I had ever stumbled on.
"What are you laughing at?" He turns his head and looks down on me, who's trying to choke another chuckle.
"You sparkle." I smile and lick the tip of my thumb. He flinches by reflex when my finger moves closer to his face but realizes what I'm trying to do. He stands back up straight and lets me wipe some of the glitter flakes off. It doesn't go as well as I had planned and wouldn't come off. I don't tell him.
"Is it gone?" He asks.
"Yep." I lie and drag him with me to keep the pace up. He's not prepared and flies two feet forward like when you're thrown back into the seat thanks to your seatbelt in a car crash, before he gets control of his feet properly. With a loud sigh I slow down and stop when we get surrounded by a bunch of girls a few years younger than myself. Exactly why I don't like to take short pauses. This happens.
"Harry Harry can we please get a picture?"
"Can you say 'Hello' I'm recording!"
"Can you please... Oh!" One of the girls who has a small piece of paper in her hand gets pushed to the side and lands in the back of the pack of the hungry wolves (as I saw them). When she realizes she won't be able to give it to Harry she turns to me.
"Can you give this to Harry and ask him to follow the names I wrote down? It would mean so much!"
I nod and accept the bone white folded note. I had taken a few steps back when the girls attacked, so I wouldn't be in the way or end up in the background of some fan's photo pulling a face I'd rather not want the entire world to see. Internet these days. Everything spreads like wildfire.
After a few minutes the girls start to scatter after a short chat with Harry and some pictures. He must have said goodbye and this group seemed sane enough to understand when it was time to leave. I'm thankful for that part of his fans. Some of them were not as nice. I knew that from experience.
"Shall we move on?" Harry offers me his arm. Quickly I drop the note the girl had given me without hesitating. It blends in with the snow perfectly, like a camelont in the South American rainforest. Even if I tried I wouldn't be able to find it again. I'm not handing him a piece of paper with meaningless online accounts. It's not like he has time to follow them all anyways. I'm an insanely jealous person, a fact about myself which I'm not willing to share with people. I link our arms together and we continue strutting through the madly white Central Park. The thick layer of snow covers every plant and every kid in sight. I love snow. I prefer winter over summer. It's funny how we can move in public without being jumped every ten inches. But I guess you blend in with the crowd when you dress casual. In his plaided shirt, open black jacket, dark green beanie and black skinny jeans Harry looked like any block kid around. And as for me, I was wearing blue tight jeans, a black jacket as well and a simple white tee, with an airplane necklace hanging around my neck. The guy to my right's airplane necklace. Harry had pulled up the sleeve on his jacket and I felt the skin on his hand touching mine. I smile. If there is one thing I love it's body contact. With people I like. Or else you shouldn't even attempt to touch me. Riding the New York subway in rush hour is by far the worst thing I have ever done.
"Shall we drop by the bakery before heading back to the hotel? I can't get the thought of a cream cheese bagel out of my head."
"Stop!" I laugh. "Now I need one."
Harry and I pick up the pace and arrives in front of the bakery in no time. The green sign with white letters reading out "Nolan's Bagel Shop" is way familiar by now. We had swung by the same bakery every day for the past week. Can you say addictive.
"Hey Dave!" Harry greets and reaches out his massive hand towards the cashier.
"Who are you?" He looks at Harry with big eyes. Harry hits him on the shoulder and they both laugh.
"Hello to you too Ash." The very blonde Dave smiles.
Ash was a nickname. It's Aisha. I respond with a wave and a blink.
"Can we have two cream cheese bagels to go? We're in kind of a hurry." Hary asks. That boy can make anything sound polite. But I see his foot stomping impatiantly on the floor. He's stressed. Probably because fans can pop in at any second. And how or you supposed to get out and away from a pack of fangirls when there's only one exit, which will for sure be blocked.
Dave returns with two still reeking hot bagels. Harry accepts them and says a quick goodbye, before we're out the door. We round a corner and in the turn I automatically look behind us. My corneas catches a sight of 20 girls rushing into the coffee shop at the same time.

"11:11 I wish it never happened. 11:11 I wish I could turn back time. 11:11 I wish I was the one to go. Rather it be me. 11:11 doesn't work. Why do I keep trying?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Are you okay?" He peeks through the door. I keep my eyes on the floor.

"You're still devestated." He points out straight away and walks over and takes the seat next to me on my unmade bed. It had been in the same state for a month. The madress on my side rises when he jumps down on the other. I sit quiet, I don't feel like replying really. I think he understands, because he doesn't ask any further questions. He simply rubs my back in an attempt to comfort. It feels good. He knows.

"You know, some days I feel like I should just move on. Get it over with. Let it go and keep living the life I made up for myself. It took some hard work to build up you know? Then something similar to a title wave hits me in the face and I just feel, I don't want to."

"One of these days you will start to. You can't get over things like this that easy. It takes time. People talk about letting go, like it's something you do just snap like that. But I think it's like pulling the petals of a flower while mouthing 'Love me, love me not'. It's something you do in steps."

I can tell this is hard on him too. But I can't bare myself to swap roles and be the comforter. Not today, not tomorrow, probably not for the coming weeks. Or months. I knew very well everybody hurt, but it teared by far the most on me.

"I don't know..." I sigh and get up from the bed to look out the window instead. The sight of a dusty wooden floor with cracks in all the right places gets kind of boring after staring down at for an hour. That's all I've done since I woke up this morning. Another morning without...

I can't even say the name out loud anymore. It hurts too bad. Once there was a time when I overused that name just because it rolled of my tounge so easily. I loved it, I said it even when I didn't have to, just because I could. But now.

"Do you want breakfast?"

"No."

"Same as usual." He mumbles. Without furter discussion he leaves the room. He knows very well I'm not the person who can be convinced when I've set my mind on something. Usually I would feel bad, but I don't feel anything at all. I dissapointed him again, same as always. Every day since the new year started. It's February now.

I stay by the window and glare at the busy traffic. A school bus filled with youngsters stops for a while at the traffic light and I'm able to catch a good glimpse of all the happy faces sat the worn bus seats. The kids sit in pairs and everyone seems to be in a lively discussion with their seat partner. Tuesday morning and everyone's going into work at the same time. I guess it's just their every day lives. Some of them struggle, some of them don't have a worry in the whole wide world. I envy those kind of people. I can never be one of them anymore. Chances ruined. Damn.

I've lost my appetite completely but I still go hungry all the time. It's like a vicious circle. I haven't eaten for days. In reality I'm starving but my head tells me that if I eat something I won't be able to hold it down, so there's no point. I return the my bed, the only sort of happy place I still have. If it even qualifies as a happy place. Maybe it's just not the same sort of hell as everywhere else. I crawl under the covers and pull them up to my chin. I miss the feeling of it being the two of us cuddeling so close together our eyelashes touched, otherwise we weren't able to fit into the one man bed. When I see the book on the night stand I scrunch my face and wishes for it to dissappear on the count of three. When I open my eyes it's still there. With  a fast motion i knock it over so it falls down behind, so I can't see it. I curl up into a ball in an attempt to make the hunger go away. It's works to about 20 %. Still hungry. Still sad. Still broken.

Nu lägger jag upp min nya fanfic här också för er som har problem att komma in på de två andra sajterna jag skrev om :) Här behöver man inte vara medlem för att kommentera sååå, jag tror ni fattar vart jag försöker komma med det här ;)

”Do you Harry Styles, take Emma Sand to be your beloved wife in sickness and in health, and to love her always?”

”I do.” Harry log stort. Han såg överlycklig ut. De vita tänderna gnistrade ikapp med hans ögon.

”Do you Emma Sand, take Harry Styles to be your beloved husband in sickness and in health, and to love him always?”

Jag tog ett par sekunder på mig att svara. Jag kunde inte sluta betrakta Harrys ansikte.

”I do.”

Om jag hade vetat att krocken med cykeln skulle sluta såhär skulle jag säkert börjat grina liggandes ovanpå Harrys kropp. Blött ner den gråa t-shirten han haft på sig den dagen och nypit mig själv i armen för att kolla om jag inte somnat på bussen och i själva verket bara drömde. För en gångs skull var inte något bra som hände mitt liv ett hopkok av min vilda fantasi. Den hade en vana att skena iväg och få upp mitt hopp mer än vad jag borde. Idag har det gått nästan fem år sedan dagen vi stod vid altaret. Jag log vid tanken.

 ”I’m so happy with you Harry.” Mumlade jag och lutade huvudet mot hans axel. Jag kände hur hans arm drog ihop sig.

”It tickles.” Skrattade han och sköt mig ifrån sig.

”You’re such a girl.” Retades jag och ställde mig upp på två ben. ”Where’s Aimee?”

”I thought you knew?” Harrys huvud vändes skarpt i min rikting och ögonen förstorades till sin dubbla storlek.

”Why should I know? Oh no.”

Jag gick raskt ut ur rummet med Harry hack i häl. Mattan skrynklades ihop över att jag fick så bråttom och nästan halkade på den.

”Aimee?!” Ropade Harry med sig djupa röst. Den studsade mot väggarna och ekade genom hela huset, men vi fick inget svar.

”Aim- Oh!” Jag såg en liten fot prydd med en blå strumpa sticka ut över soffans armstöd i vardagsrummet. Hon satt djupt koncentrerad och försökte fläta en av sina dockors blonda hår, en av miljoner. Gick man in på hennes rum var det bara 30 % chans att du kom ut igen, du måste klara dig genom havet av dockor och kläder slängda hipp som happ över hela golvet.

”Aimee, it’s time to go...” Jag lirkade snällt och försökte smussla ner min hand i hennes, för att leda henne bort till hallen.

”N...o...” Svarade hon långsamt och stack ut tungan genom mungipan, så som hon alltid gjorde när hon var fokuserad på någonting. Precis som sin morbror.

”Don’t you wanna go home?” Harry böjde sig ner på huk och det fick henne att titta upp.

”Well, maybe.” Hon studsade ner från soffan och gick framför Harry ut ur rummet. Hur han kudne övertala henne så snabbt kunde jag inte förstå mig på. Jag stannade upp och tittade efter dem, innan jag till slut följde efter. När jag svände runt hallhörnet satt Aimee redan på trappen och fick service utav Harry att sätta på sig skorna. Hon satt fortfarande och flätade håret på sin docka. När de kommit halvvägs genom processen och bara hade höger fot kvar ringde det på dörren. Jag skynde snabbt för att öppna.

”Hi Gemma!” Jag hälsade Harrys storasyster välkommen med en stor kram.

”Emma! How did it go?”

”Perfect, she’s a little angel alright.” Svarade jag och tittade tillbaka på Aimee och Harry. Det var sant. Hon hade inte ställt till med några som helst trubbel på hela dagen. Åtminstone inte den här gången. Med brunt långthår och rosa röda mun såg ut verkligen ut som ett litet änglabarn. Nöjt knäppte Harry det sista spännet på den lilla skon och reste sig upp med ett stort leende på läpparna.

”Thank you for watching her for me!” Tackade Gemma och tog Aimee i handen. ”I gotta run, see you around!”

”Bye!” Nickade Harry och vinkade tills hon vände ryggen till och låste sedan dörren efter henne.

”You know, we’ve been baby sitting your niece almost every day for a month now.” Blinkade jag.

”Do you mind?”

”Not at all. I was just thinking...”

”Thinking about what?” Harry snurrade runt och satte sig ner på en köksstol.

”About you... And me...”

Med ett ryck drog Harry ner mig i sitt knä. Jag andades häftigt ut av överraskning när jag hamnade med ansiktet så pass nära att det nästan krockade med hans och våra ögon knappt fyra centimeter ifrån varandra. Precis så nära att det du fokuserar på är det enda som är skarpt, och allt runt omkring blir suddigt. Jag kunde urskilja varenda detalj i hans gröna iris.

”Keep going.” Uppmuntrade Harry och en smilgrop lika djup som en hink poppade upp i hans vänstra kind. Han och hans sneda leende, det fick mig nästan att vilja slita av honom tröjan här och nu. Jag behärskade mig.

”What if we had our own kid one day? He’d peek out through the door way past his bedtime when he thinks we can’t hear, ignore us completely when we tell him he has to wake up, spit out the food on the floor because ”they’re not like the pancakes Dave’s mom does!”

”Who’s Dave?” Avbröt Harry.

”I made up a friend for him, now hush!” Jag hyssjade åt honom så jag kunde fortsätta måla upp min bild.

”Why are you so sure it’s a he?” Avbröt Harry igen utan att tänka sig för.

”I don’t know.” Svarade jag. Jag hade faktiskt ingen aning. Ingen aning alls.

”I just feel like it could be a he. Anyway I’m getting of topic.” Jag ledde tillbaka till ämnet och Harry bara skrattade åt att jag var så lätt distraherad, och böjde ner ansiktet mot marken för att dölja sitt skrattanfall.

”I’m just saying that could be us.” Jag nickade i den rikting ytterdörren låg i, den som Gemma klivit ut genom med Aimee bredvid sig.
”Aimee’s a girl-”

”You get my point!” Jag var nära på att slå till honom för att han retades så fruktansvärt.

”I do.”

”So...?” Jag höjde mitt ögonbryn mot honom.

”Do I really have to give you an answer? I wanna spend every day I have left to live with you. I wanna wake you up with a kiss on the lips every morning. When you’re sick I will trudge out in the kitchen and make you hot soup because you’re too ill to move from your bed. When you’re cold I will offer you my jacket and cuddle you until you can feel your fingers again. Don’t you get it? I want a baby with you more than anything I’ve ever wanted, I, I’m getting tounge tied I don’t even know how to explain how much a want to start a family with you. To think that I could have you, and a person that is half of you. You saved me Emma. Before I knew you I never thought I could have a family with the lifestyle I’m living. I’m busy all the time, it’s so stressful I sometimes have to lock myself in the bathroom when we’re recording, doing photoshoots whatever, just to give myself some space to breathe for a minute. I never understood how I would have time to even find a girl I could make it work with. With you I know I have a chance to a somewhat normal future. Thank you.”

Han nuddade sin fingertopp mot min.

”I’m sorry I interrupted you twice before. I just love the way you wrinkle your forehead every time you get annoyed with me.”

NOVELLEN ÄR AVSLUTAD :) Bloggen kommer inte tas bort men kommer inte uppdateras med några nya noveller. När jag kommit igång med en ny på kommer länka till sidan så dom som vill fortsätta läsa andra novellen o.s.v. kan göra det om de vill. Eftersom det här var den avslutade delen på en 156 delar lång novell som jag har skrivit på under ett helt års tid kan ni väl vara lite frikostiga och lämna en kommentar vad ni tyckte om den här delen och görna hela novellen i sin helhet :) Göra hur länge ni har följt den, hur ni hittade den och lite sånt dära, jag är så nyfiken. Tack för alla fina ord jag fått under novellens gång, ni anar inte hur stort jag lett när jag läst igenom dom. Det här känns som ett avslutat kapital i mitt liv nu haha. Älskar er allihopa, puss ♡