morethanthis

"11:11 I wish it never happened. 11:11 I wish I could turn back time. 11:11 I wish I was the one to go. Rather it be me. 11:11 doesn't work. Why do I keep trying?"

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"Are you okay?" He peeks through the door. I keep my eyes on the floor.

"You're still devestated." He points out straight away and walks over and takes the seat next to me on my unmade bed. It had been in the same state for a month. The madress on my side rises when he jumps down on the other. I sit quiet, I don't feel like replying really. I think he understands, because he doesn't ask any further questions. He simply rubs my back in an attempt to comfort. It feels good. He knows.

"You know, some days I feel like I should just move on. Get it over with. Let it go and keep living the life I made up for myself. It took some hard work to build up you know? Then something similar to a title wave hits me in the face and I just feel, I don't want to."

"One of these days you will start to. You can't get over things like this that easy. It takes time. People talk about letting go, like it's something you do just snap like that. But I think it's like pulling the petals of a flower while mouthing 'Love me, love me not'. It's something you do in steps."

I can tell this is hard on him too. But I can't bare myself to swap roles and be the comforter. Not today, not tomorrow, probably not for the coming weeks. Or months. I knew very well everybody hurt, but it teared by far the most on me.

"I don't know..." I sigh and get up from the bed to look out the window instead. The sight of a dusty wooden floor with cracks in all the right places gets kind of boring after staring down at for an hour. That's all I've done since I woke up this morning. Another morning without...

I can't even say the name out loud anymore. It hurts too bad. Once there was a time when I overused that name just because it rolled of my tounge so easily. I loved it, I said it even when I didn't have to, just because I could. But now.

"Do you want breakfast?"

"No."

"Same as usual." He mumbles. Without furter discussion he leaves the room. He knows very well I'm not the person who can be convinced when I've set my mind on something. Usually I would feel bad, but I don't feel anything at all. I dissapointed him again, same as always. Every day since the new year started. It's February now.

I stay by the window and glare at the busy traffic. A school bus filled with youngsters stops for a while at the traffic light and I'm able to catch a good glimpse of all the happy faces sat the worn bus seats. The kids sit in pairs and everyone seems to be in a lively discussion with their seat partner. Tuesday morning and everyone's going into work at the same time. I guess it's just their every day lives. Some of them struggle, some of them don't have a worry in the whole wide world. I envy those kind of people. I can never be one of them anymore. Chances ruined. Damn.

I've lost my appetite completely but I still go hungry all the time. It's like a vicious circle. I haven't eaten for days. In reality I'm starving but my head tells me that if I eat something I won't be able to hold it down, so there's no point. I return the my bed, the only sort of happy place I still have. If it even qualifies as a happy place. Maybe it's just not the same sort of hell as everywhere else. I crawl under the covers and pull them up to my chin. I miss the feeling of it being the two of us cuddeling so close together our eyelashes touched, otherwise we weren't able to fit into the one man bed. When I see the book on the night stand I scrunch my face and wishes for it to dissappear on the count of three. When I open my eyes it's still there. With  a fast motion i knock it over so it falls down behind, so I can't see it. I curl up into a ball in an attempt to make the hunger go away. It's works to about 20 %. Still hungry. Still sad. Still broken.

Nu lägger jag upp min nya fanfic här också för er som har problem att komma in på de två andra sajterna jag skrev om :) Här behöver man inte vara medlem för att kommentera sååå, jag tror ni fattar vart jag försöker komma med det här ;)